Back in those stage

aku pelik kenapa aku tiba2 berada kembali dalam stage 'green with envy' when knowing about other's pregnancy.

dan,
super duper jeles tgk gamba baby org lain.

dushh! 

isk la setan, sila main jauh2! 

tak baik perasaan ini!

astagfirullah!

bantu aku hilangkan perasaan negative ni Ya Allah!

 

Soalan Cepumas

kalo dah namanya raya, confirm penuh dgn soalan cepumas. kan? ah tipu kau tak ditanya soalan2 cepumas begini.

situasi 1: aku dukung anak buah baru suami.

Mereka: Ha, elok lah hg pegang2 tu. kot2 la lekat plak lepas nih. lama sgt dah takda anak.

Aku: kalo camtu, amik la dia pegang plak. kot2 boleh tambah anak lagik. 2 ja mana cukup. *dialog dilafazkan dgn senyuman sinis*


situasi 2: aku main2 dgn anak buah suami

mereka: dah lama sgt tak mengandung2, cuba try jumpa tabib cina mintak ubat.

aku: dah jumpe gynea lagik. die kate takde masalah pape. wat pe nk jumpe tabib2 bagai?  *dialog dilafaz tanpa senyuman*

Situasi 3:  MIL menyampuk time situasi 2


MIL: ada sowang tu, dah 20thn takdak anak, makan biodex ja. teruih dapat anak. huh

aku: .....

*diam je, sbb kalo menjawab heart attack plak org tua tu kang! sambil cubit peha laki tanda kesabaran makin menipis*

Husband: dah tu bukan kerja buat kita. rezeki suma Allah bagi. dia kata belum, sapa kita nk kata papa?

MIL: cebik muka

Situasi 4:

mereka: hg nk anak berapa ramai? dua cukup noh, nk dapat satu pun susah. huh

aku: ..... cubit peha husband makin kuat!
*rasa mmg nk cabaikanje mulut org tua ni. makcik tak makcik, tampar kang br tau! ringan je mulut nk jawab, kalo anak ramai tp sume tak menjadi, jadik minah rempit bagai, buatpa. huishhh, seb bek iman aku kuat. kalo tak, die ngn MIL aku same2 heart attack!

situasi 5: kat dapur

mereka: balik bila?

aku: sabtu ni balik la.

mereka: lama noh dok sini, boleh tahan ka duduk lama2?

aku: ....
diam sambil pandang muke die cam nk telan dan terus blah. org tue ni mulut mmg cibai kot! patut la anak2 sume tak menjadik, sume jadik jahat!!


tp seyes aku pelik, dah tua, mulut jahat nak mampus! die ingat nk dapat anak tu cam beli sayur tepi jalan ke? haishhh!

Till then,

Two to tango

ive kept this buried in my heart for a long time. as time passed by, i buried it even deeper. until i cannot take it no more. 

it burst. 

like an angry volcano.

only god knows how the lava had eaten me inside.

and obviously its killing me.

slowly and painfully.

at first i thought it was something that never meant to be shared, but now, once hell broke loose, i simply dont care.

here it is.

i hate my MIL guts.

just as she hated mine.

i could not help envying those whose MIL love them so much and know about their TTC condition. sadly, mine is a monster.

and slowly, she turned my husband into one.

as if not being pregnant is my fault.

as if he is the only one suffer not having children.

nobody knows that i cried hard everytime i had my menses. 

how i kept on telling him that im sorry for having menses.

how i kept staring at others babies and silently cursing my own self for not being able to conceived.

how i sometimes punch my own belly as results of my frustration.

but hey, it takes two to tango.

and it certainly takes two to conceived.

owh, like they know it. 

& i dont think MIL knows about it.

being a monster, she simply didnt care.

i wonder how could i survive this eid fitr.

could i simply run away from all of this?

i simply hate everyone's gut now, even my own.

 

Di saat aku mencintaimu

Mengapa kau pergi
Mengapa kau pergi
Di saat aku mulai mencintaimu
Berharap engkau jadi kekasih hatiku
Malah kau pergi jauh dari hidupku

Menyendiri lagi
Menyendiri lagi
Di saat kau tinggalkan diriku pergi
Tak pernah ada yang menghiasi hariku
Di saat aku terbangun dari tidurku

Aku inginkan dirimu
Datang dan temui aku
Kan ku katakan padamu
Aku sangat mencintai dirimu
Aku inginkan dirimu
Datang dan temui aku
Kan ku katakan padamu
Aku sangat mencinta

yang mengharap rahmat-Nya secomel ini,

ps: kalo tanak pegi check-up this month aci tak? seyes tanak!

Don't Let Your Hopes Run High

and y is that?

because,
im having my menses.

so obviously it was no implementation bleeding.

to be honest, i am so fucked up with all this TTC things that i simply dont really care about getting pregnant anymore.

im tired spending precious time and money going to gynea,
im tired to see all expecting mums everywhere i turn,
im tired to deal with the infertility facts,
im tired having people asking me when im getting pregnant,
im tired of all those mocking stares,
im tired,
so damn tired.

yes, i am at that stage now,

Two instead of One...

lines.


omg!

imagine how happy i am to realize that it was two lines instead of one?
im exploding with joy and happiness.

like really explodes.

but only for short time.

reality sets back once i opened my eyes from my deep slumber.

what a dream.

wish it shall finally be a reality soon.

amin


Till then,

Toys N Us

hurm, i wish i do have child of my own so that people wont cast me weird looks as i walk into toys shop and bought toys, lots of them.

for myself and for dear hubby of course.

mrs a adds: pelik sgt ke masuk kedai beli mainan utk diri sendrik? well, mainan here means figurine ok. like the ones those otaku likes. *grin*

All but...

my feet are killing me.

not literally.

they hurt like hell.

throbbing pain all over the feet, from the toes up to the knee.

at first i tot it was only 'sengal2' but this morning, after the blood test, i am diagnosed with gout.

waaaa...

imagine, at age of 27, i have gout, asthma, plica syndrome and god knows what.

and still, no babies.

all but babies.

fate are one cruel business,

Heart Rants

jujur, selalu aku sedih setiap kali AF.
menangisi takdir. dah lama kahwin tp belum dikurniakan anak.
orang lain kahwin terus dapat anak.

walau berbuih mulut en suami memujuk, aku pekakkan telinga.

aku tetap pekakkan telinga.

selama ini aku rasakan hidup tak complete tanpa anak. tp cuba bayangkan, ada anak, dan tiba2 en suami pula dijemput pulang? sanggup? bayangkan terpaksa membesarkan anak tanpa suami disisi. dalam usia yg masih muda.

ya, aku masih muda. dan masih byk masa utk mencuba mendapatkan anak. tp mendapatkan suami? aku tak sanggup.

terkesan di hati kisah Mawar Nafashari.
tabahnya dia.

tp, dalam tak sedar, aku sebenarnya tak bersyukur dgn semua pemberian Allah.
aku tak redha dgn ketentuanNya.
aku seolah2 mempersoalkan qada & qadarNya

Astaqfirullahal'azim.
Masyallah.
Maafkan aku Allah.

Rasulullah SA berkata'' tahukah engkau siapa yang mandul ''..
berkata para sahabat : ''orang yang mandul ialah orang yang tidak mempunyai anak''..
lalu Rasulullah S.A.W berkata : '' orang yang mandul itu ialah orang yang mempunyai ramai anak tetapi anak-anaknya itu tidak memberi kemanfaatan kepadanya sesudah ia meninggal dunia"..
(Maksud Al-Hadith)


jadi, mungkin kita diuji dgn tidak mempunyai anak. tp itu lebih baik drp mempunyai anak yg akhirnya menjadi org jahat, penagih dan sebagainya.

wallahualam,