Apa Anda Rasa?

apa perasaan anda jika nama anak yg anda idam2kan, yg dah selalu bincang ngn suami, kire dlm erti kata lain, future baby mmg confirmla nama tu,

ttibe sedara sendrik dah amik letak kat anak die?

for me: 

aku rasa macam nk menjerit gile kot! 

lagik2 plak cosin yg paling selalu dibandingkan tu yg pakai nama yg aku nak sgt2 tu!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aku nak gak nama tu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Till then,

Knock Knock

i think aunt flow shall be knocking soon as i felt the stomach cramp already.

so much for ramadhan miracle.

huh!

lil update: yes i tak puasa ok arini. hishhhhhhhhhhhh geram tul ngn diri sendrik! sampai bila nk ada anak nih!!!!!

Two to tango

ive kept this buried in my heart for a long time. as time passed by, i buried it even deeper. until i cannot take it no more. 

it burst. 

like an angry volcano.

only god knows how the lava had eaten me inside.

and obviously its killing me.

slowly and painfully.

at first i thought it was something that never meant to be shared, but now, once hell broke loose, i simply dont care.

here it is.

i hate my MIL guts.

just as she hated mine.

i could not help envying those whose MIL love them so much and know about their TTC condition. sadly, mine is a monster.

and slowly, she turned my husband into one.

as if not being pregnant is my fault.

as if he is the only one suffer not having children.

nobody knows that i cried hard everytime i had my menses. 

how i kept on telling him that im sorry for having menses.

how i kept staring at others babies and silently cursing my own self for not being able to conceived.

how i sometimes punch my own belly as results of my frustration.

but hey, it takes two to tango.

and it certainly takes two to conceived.

owh, like they know it. 

& i dont think MIL knows about it.

being a monster, she simply didnt care.

i wonder how could i survive this eid fitr.

could i simply run away from all of this?

i simply hate everyone's gut now, even my own.

 

Do's and Dont's of having Infertile Friend

(source from here)

Do ask me how I'm doing and let me know that you are there to listen.

Do give me the time and space to share when I want to, and if I want to. Respect my privacy and refrain from judging.

Do help me by distracting me with your friendship. Meet me for a coffee. Take me window shopping. Gossip with me on the phone. Do everything you can NOT to avoid me. I need your support.

It's as simple as that. Just help me to feel loved right now, because I really need it. This has been one of the most isolating times in my life. And I'm not sure it'll ever be over...



Don't ask me if I'm pregnant, or speculate with others. This hurts me more than you could ever know. Plus, it makes me feel fat. When the time comes, I'll share the blessed news. But being asked all the time if I am pregnant is a constant reminder that I am NOT.

Don't feel compelled to share the latest "get pregnant" trick. Believe me, we've tried them all. Putting my feet up. Simultaneous orgasms. Drinking raspberry leaf tea. OPK sticks. Fertility monitors. Pineapple juice. Vitamin B. Acupuncture. Chinese herbs. Cutting out caffeine. Going on a vacation. If I had a dollar for every trick we've tried, we could afford to travel in Europe for the summer.

Don't tell me to relax. Until you've suffered the sorrow of trying fruitlessly for years, you'll never know the anxiety and the stress that yet another period causes. The fear of not being able to have a child can be all encompassing. There's nothing relaxing about seeing everyone around you get pregnant, or attending the tenth baby shower of the year, after having looked at yet another negative HPT. Relaxing is impossible.

Don't tell me I can always adopt. It's easy for many of you to say; you've likely felt the joy of feeling your baby kick you for the first time, or marveled at the way your baby giggles just like his daddy. Your mother has probably said to you "She has her great-grandma's dimples!", or your father has said "He has his mama's temper!" These are the things that I want to experience. Adoption isn't right for everyone.

If you are pregnant, don't tell me that you're ready for it to be over. Right now, I would kill for the chance to have swollen feet or heartburn. I would love to feel the goo of the ultrasound gel on my big belly. I'd revel at being able to actually wear maternity clothes, not just touch them and wish. Don't take for granted your pregnancy - it really is a miracle.

If you are pregnant, please don't share every detail with me. While I really am happy for you, it doesn't help me to hear all about the things that I fear I will never get to experience. Don't tell me that you could feel your baby being conceived, or that your cravings are getting stronger, or that your prenatal yoga classes are making your baby dance in your tummy. It'll just make me feel guilty that I feel sad about your happiness.

Don't tell me that you feel sorry for me when we are at a baby shower. I don't need your pity. I need your understanding. I need your distraction. I need your love and support. I need your shoulder to cry on, or your ear to bend. I need you to be a friend.

Mrs A said: totally agreed. 110% agreed!

Till then,

No luck

trip to the gynea yesterday was again a waste of money and time.

and y is that?

we spent almost 2hours & half waiting for our turn, only to find out that the egg isnt matured enough, only 13mm (a strong and matured one is normally 15mm) due to the stress put by the gout. mind you the gout was painful hence a lot of stress.

so again, no luck this cycle.

unless He miraculously bless us with one.
amin.


on the bright side, the sperm analysis come out good.
normal reading, tho the doc wanted to have it again, just to confirm the results.

and that put a big smile on hubby's lips.

so, was i the problem?

i did ovulated every month, never did i miss any.
hurm, so which one of us is the infertile?

worried that it is me, i asked him
"do you think that i am the one who is mandul?"

and here's the reply
"u ovulate every month, and we see the egg in the monitor, even the size. i am one big idiot if i think you are the one who is mandul. none of us are. we are simply tade rezeki"

hurmmm.

that answer did not stop me asking myself, am i that bad that god punished us for not having babies yet?

wallahualam,

Heart Rants

jujur, selalu aku sedih setiap kali AF.
menangisi takdir. dah lama kahwin tp belum dikurniakan anak.
orang lain kahwin terus dapat anak.

walau berbuih mulut en suami memujuk, aku pekakkan telinga.

aku tetap pekakkan telinga.

selama ini aku rasakan hidup tak complete tanpa anak. tp cuba bayangkan, ada anak, dan tiba2 en suami pula dijemput pulang? sanggup? bayangkan terpaksa membesarkan anak tanpa suami disisi. dalam usia yg masih muda.

ya, aku masih muda. dan masih byk masa utk mencuba mendapatkan anak. tp mendapatkan suami? aku tak sanggup.

terkesan di hati kisah Mawar Nafashari.
tabahnya dia.

tp, dalam tak sedar, aku sebenarnya tak bersyukur dgn semua pemberian Allah.
aku tak redha dgn ketentuanNya.
aku seolah2 mempersoalkan qada & qadarNya

Astaqfirullahal'azim.
Masyallah.
Maafkan aku Allah.

Rasulullah SA berkata'' tahukah engkau siapa yang mandul ''..
berkata para sahabat : ''orang yang mandul ialah orang yang tidak mempunyai anak''..
lalu Rasulullah S.A.W berkata : '' orang yang mandul itu ialah orang yang mempunyai ramai anak tetapi anak-anaknya itu tidak memberi kemanfaatan kepadanya sesudah ia meninggal dunia"..
(Maksud Al-Hadith)


jadi, mungkin kita diuji dgn tidak mempunyai anak. tp itu lebih baik drp mempunyai anak yg akhirnya menjadi org jahat, penagih dan sebagainya.

wallahualam,

mood tak seronok bila bukak fb sane sini announcement org pregnant.

Tak suka!

Ishhhh!!!!!!

Morning Ramblings

i was too busy to bother about chlomid. afterall, its been 6weeks of long sick leave which leaving me tons and tons of works at the office. so yes, i hv no time to think or being sad about it.

though sometimes in the middle of the night, when i still could not sleep, i look at hubby's face and how i wish i have children. how i wish the baby shall follow hubby's eyebrow, hubby's lips, hubby's ears. owh, not the nose please, nor the eyes. (mata dia mata jahat, idung pun tak berapa nk kempis. hahah)

and sadness comes again. rubbing the empty uterus, touching the scar of previous surgery and could not help thinking of how unfateful life is.

in which i know the answer hubby's is going to give me.
"bukan kerja kita kan.. kita bole angkat tangan doa dan usaha je"

yes.
faham.

but do understand the internal conflict inside me.
how it affected me.
the scariest thing a women shall face is when she could not produce babies for the hubby.

sapa setuju?
angkat tangan cam usup (hantu kak limah balik rumah)

but, nk sedapkan ati, there a some people who get pregnant while having chomid (kembar 3 lagik).

only Allah SWT knows how i wish it is twins.

amin.

Till then,

A Bizarre (or should I say Stupid) mother

i've just heard a story about a mother with her 3 children (ages 10, 8 and 6years old) which was bizarre.

and why was that?
this is a dialogue between me and a person whom cannot be named.
judge it yourself.

unnamed person: she sent her child to 'sekolah pondok'*.
me: which child?
unnamed person: her oldest and 2nd child. both of them.
me: but they are only 10 and 8 years old for heaven sake!
unnamed person: its quite pricey, the school. RM900 per month for both of them.
me: it looks to me that she dont want to look after her child anymore. i mean, they are only 10&8. how are they suppose to take care of themselves?
unnamed person: she said that her children would like to become 'ustazah'. could u imagine those 2 becoming ustazah**, wearing long hijab and all while their mother wear tight clothes?
me: but what concern me more is that the fact that she seems to not taking care of her children anymore. sorts like dumping them to the school so that she could do whatever she wanted to do.
unnamed person: and did u know that she planned on sending her youngest son to Indonesia, again to another 'sekolah pondok'?
me: whatttt??? is she stupid or what??? he is only 6!

and yesterday, i told the bizarre story to mr.hubby. told him that i simply could not understand how parents, let alone a mother could come out with such decision. it seem to me that she is eager to get rid of her children by sending them elsewhere.

me: how could she sent them away? if i am a mother, i would never do anything like that. they are so small! and if they really wanted to become ustazah, at least, wait until they are 13, then sent them to islamic school. we have lots of recognize islamic school here in Msia for god' sake.
mr.hubby: erm. so when she was old, instead of taking care of her, just see where her children are going to sent him. well, life is fair.
me: we are trying so hard to have a child, yet she could simply sent her children away. life is so not fair!

yes, indeed.
it is not fair.
how is it fair that we whom would do anything to have a child of our own, still unsuccessful despite all, while those who have child could simple 'thrown' them away?

maybe it is still not our time.
yet.

so, what say u after reading all this?
is it as bizarre i thought it was?

****
*sekolah pondok= a school for islamic knowledge. normally it is not recognize by any educational institute.
**ustazah= those who teach islamic knowledge or a well equip with Islamic Knowledge

Till then,